in a minute of my mind. a rant

Why don't you ever get it?
How many times do I have to drive it into your head?

And how many times have you faithfully ignored it?

I'm not like you.

At all.

I don't hold the same views as you.

I don't value the same things as you.

I don't believe the same standards as you.

I'm just...not you.

Figured it out yet?

Of course not.

You impose these ridiculous standards and rules, all for the sake of questionable morality supposedly advocated by conservative Christians or alluded to in the Bible.

Well, what if I just don't believe that it's written that way? What if I don't believe that it should be interpreted in such a rigid manner? There's always two sides to anything.

And you're just ruining my life. Not in an evil, malicious, conspiring way. Or even an intentional hurting way. But in a way that'll make me regret I didn't stand up against you enough, or that I didn't fight back enough. Cause I'm not, no matter what you think I am. You say that I don't censor myself at all, that I'm wild, reckless. Why can't I be like my brother, why can't I just care about studying. It's because I don't want to look back ten years from now and feel...regret.

Because that's all I've been feeling so far.

And I guess that must be most of it. I don't want look back at my middle school years, high school years, and maybe college years regretting all the things I should of done, but didn't, just because of you.

I only got one shot at it. Just because you didn't do it, just because you didn't want to do it, doesn't mean I want to be just like you.

I don't want to regret wasted years.

I want to live life as much as I can.

But frankly, I'm not.

If I was, I wouldn't be here right now, typing on a black laptop, frustrated at yet another outcome, regretting over the things I've missed out doing just because I was hesitant, just because you stopped me.

I'm not like you.

I don't believe the same things as you do.

I mean, yes, I am a Christian. Yes, I believe in God, Jesus, the Holy Spirit, and all that goes. But when it comes to anything further than that, I think we're like two opposite poles in a morality/spiritual magnetic field. I just don't see things the way you do. I keep saying that [correction: I keep writing that] because I know you'll never hear it anytime soon. Unless, of course, I decide to blow my head off or come back home drunk.

Which I don't plan to do anytime soon too.

Why do you have to be so different? Is a dance really such an evil thing? Is a having a girlfriend when you're in high school really sinful? Is playing a violent video game sending me to hell, or at least make me [that is, assuming I'm currently not one] into a violent psychopath? Is a PG-13 movie [or Harry Potter, you pick] really that full of depravity? Is a song with the 'f" word really pure, Satanic garbage?

I mean, I mention the word "gay" or "lesbian" in this house, and you give me the evil eye and a five minute [make that ten minute] lecture.

Um, face it. They're not evil unicorns. They're real.

I wonder if there are atheists out there who won't let their kids say "Baptist" or "conservative," cause that would just be the bomb. At least I'll know I'm not alone in this.

Sometimes I can't help but think, "Why me?" Why do I have to put up with such frustration, anger, and yes, pain? You think it didn't hurt when you forbade me to go to the 8th grade graduation prom? You think it didn't hurt when you called my relationship with a girl "bullshit"? [and yes, you actually said that. In front of me. Don't even get me started with all the hypocrisy]

And I had to put up with all that with an obedient nod. Oh yes, you are old and wise beyond my understanding. Who am I, a high school teenager, a mere child, to question your authority? It's just my life, you know.

And writing. If only you knew how much writing means to me. Of course, if you did know, then you'd also find out that much of what I write is probably going to conflict with your moral standards.

Do you know how much it hurts me that I have to hide the thing I'm most passionate about? Have you ever had to do that?

It's like I'm not even me in front of you. I'm just...

just...

But I won't hide my faults too. Yes, I wasn't the obedient child who just nodded in agreement. Yes, I've broken your trust too. Yes, I've lied, stole, cheated, cussed, and fought before. I guess that just comes with being a guy, but I won't hide from it or shy away from the responsibility. And yes, you deserve respect, because let's face it, without you, I'd probably be in juvie right now. Or dead.

But that also doesn't swipe your slab clean too.

And let's be completely honest, your faults affect me more than my faults affect you.

I just don't want to look back into the past and see a sea of "what you could have done" "what you missed" and "what will never be again." I only got one shot at my life. It's a film that will never stop for anyone. No one has a remote control that can stop, rewind, or pause [except for God, and maybe Adam Sandler]. I can never go back to the years I'm living right now. Never. You've told me so yourself, but in a whole different context. Actually, it was a pretty similar context, just a whole different standpoint.

I guess that's where we are right now. Two different, opposite, infinitely far standpoints.

You say that when I grow older I'll understand. When I reach college, maybe. Or when I graduate. Or when I join seminary [you have that planned out for me too, remember?]. Or when I get a job. Or when I get married. Or when I have a kid.

Now you're just desperately throwing them out there.

Cause I know you're scared that one day, you'll realize that I'm not going to change, that I'm not going to become the person you want me to become. Keep pushing the day off, but it'll catch up to you, like all things will.

I find myself making promises that I won't ever be this way to my kids [assuming that I'll ever have one], that I'll always be open and understanding to them. Did you ever make those same promises too?

And the sad thing is, even if I do succeed in making sure my kids have the best memories or the most encouraging environment to be themselves, deep inside, I know that it doesn't change a thing. Not a single, damn thing.

I'll always have the same, never changing, ever constant past.

And that's what scares me the most.

The absolute finality of it all.